There She Is....



I don't know if you were watching, but Saturday night was my Super Bowl...the 2013 Miss America pageant. My personal favorite, Miss South Carolina (who was both a Clemson Tiger and a sorority sister) came in first runner up, and it's always fun to have a horse in the race. Plus a friend told me that, due to all the overlaps, if Miss SC had won then I would have won, too, by proxy. So close.

Some people will try to tell you that pageants are aged and sexist and out of fashion. Those people are probably unattractive and ever so slightly jealous of the fabulous, and they are also wrong. Aside from world peace and twirling fire batons, beauty pageants can teach us a lot.

For starters, let's talk about the one thing everyone fixates on: "butt glue." It's an adhesive spray that keeps your swimsuit from riding up and showing things that shan't be seen. Metaphorically speaking, we all need butt glue in our lives. These are the people who not only cover your behind for you, they will speak up and let you know when you are, perhaps, being an arse and letting those too true colors show. Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan--where are your butt glue people? Your behind is  hanging out there in the wind and no one is doing a thing to try and keep you covered.

In the Miss America pageant, there is what is called the "sash factor." Basically, if your sash says Texas or California you are probably going to be more strongly considered as a contender than say, Delaware or Idaho who have never produced a winner (bless). Girls with a strong sash factor are automatic favorites before the competition begins. We all know people who have that intangible "it" factor, those who seem to show up and just claim their prize, easy breezy. The lesson is: even girls who don't benefit from the sash factor still show up and play the game. You can't win them all, and sometimes you are there for the experience rather than the prize, so enjoy it. You never know when a Delaware or an Idaho may catch everyone by surprise (well, probably not, but you catch my drift).

Another tried and true beauty pageant trick is putting Vaseline on your teeth, keeping that smile going when your mouth is dry and you have been flashing those pearly whites nonstop for hours. What's the Vaseline for your teeth--the things that make it easier for you to keep a smile on your face? Revenge of the Nerds, blue cheese olives, a good Walking Dead zombie apocalypse, anything orange that reminds me of my alma mater--those things are my Vaseline. Find things that make life less of a chore and put a grin on your chin, and keep them close at hand.

The last take away? You know that pose, I call it the "crown collapse," where the winner doubles over, then throws her hands up and thanks the Lord for the win? Yeah, we should all have those grateful moments. You never see a beauty queen just grab that tiara and say "I worked my buns off to win this, I am deliriously tired, and I haven't eaten in eight months, so gimme!" That's not how it works. No matter how much you deserve it, be humble, act surprised, and thank everyone you can.

Now, adjust that crown, put on your winningest smile, and give a wave (elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist) to the crowd. There she is...and there you have it. Pageants can be a beautiful thing.