Year of the Beard

Disclaimer: this post is superficial and, as I'm sure many will say, shallow. It does not address world peace, the budget deficit, or cures for any diseases. It does, however, discuss an epidemic that affects the appearance of the world around us. So consider it a beautification project on my part.

I know it's trendy, and I know lots of celebrities are doing it. But that also applies to Kabbalah and colonics and I don't see you rushing out for a red string bracelet or a thorough cleansing, so why the whiskers? Beards are popping up everywhere lately; it's like living in a world full of lumberjacks. Take a look around you, and I'm betting it won't take long to find some trendster who is proudly sporting some serious stubble. I'm just going to go ahead and say it: shave already!

Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, and Ben Affleck all wore beards to the Academy Awards this year. A beard and a tuxedo are about like a fish and a bicycle--they two really should exist exclusively of each other. If your date can endure a crash diet, three hours of hair and makeup, a full Spanx bodysuit and six inch heels to be Oscar appropriate, surely you can raise your razor, brandish a blade, and show up clean shaven. You notice you didn't see Channing Tatum, the reigning Sexiest Man Alive, with any scruff, did you? Channing knows how it's done. And just to confirm I'm not alone on this, Jennifer Garner brought clippers with her to the after party and did away with Ben's lucky beard right then and there. Not a moment too soon.

I have never seen a man with a beard who wouldn't most certainly look better without it. Sure, a beard is fine and probably functional if you have a) been trapped in the wilderness for a period of time, b) lost some sort of bet with your fraternity brothers, c) are raising money for charity, or d) are in witness protection and need a disguise to hide your identity. Other than that, it's a good crumb catcher and that's about as far as I can praise face fur.

Unless you are a pirate, Santa Claus, or Chuck Norris (who can do anything he wants because the man can kill two stones with one bird), grab a razor and keep it clean. The Dos Equis guy--The Most Interesting Man in the World is also allowed. I don't want to hurt any feelings, but the rest of you men frankly aren't that interesting and you can't get by with the beard. The beard is to the face what the fanny pack is for the wardrobe: it's not working for you.

These people are beard approved.

Now, I know some of you are going to immediately counter this argument by bringing up the no doubt dapper gentlemen of Duck Dynasty, ZZ Top, or that redheaded stranger Willie Nelson. I would say to you that these bearded beauties are entertainers, who are not especially known for getting by on their good looks (my husband, a true Willie Nelson devotee begs to differ on this and insists Willie, beard and all, has the face of an angel--to each their own). So, if you are of the male persuasion and not a star of the reality or rock variety, give it up. This also applies to the goatee, Fu Manchu, handlebar mustache, mutton chops, and the like. Let's bid the beard buh-bye.

Easter Sunday is coming up, so clean up your act and practice the fine art of shaving. Not only will you immediately look cleaner, more handsome, and fresh faced, you'll also make your mama proud. Who can argue with that?