Cupid is Stupid

I have publicly defamed January multiple times so far this year. I admit that I called it the most awful month and touted how happy I would be when it was finally over. Enter February, as I requested, and so far we have endured: a failing car transmission (Clint), a 48-hour migraine (me), a sick dog that required multiple trips the vet and approximately half a paycheck, a broken hot water heater...and then I woke up this morning to discover not one, but two fever blisters on my lip. I feel like a host of plagues has been set loose on our house at this point.

But never fear: we are just a few days away from that over inflated, overrated holiday that is allegedly all about love but, in fact, is about selling cards, candy, jewelry, and dinner dates to desperate men who want to avoid a nuclear fallout from a Valentine FAIL. I'm sure that this will help make my month better (please read that in a bold sarcasm font). I have to wonder: does anyone really enjoy Valentine's Day? Isn't this really a holiday for masochists?

We've agreed not to give gifts this year, which I sincerely hope means Clint won't stop off at the grocery store for flowers on his way home. I don't want to sound like a snob, but I absolutely hate those grab and go cellophane wrapped bouquets from the store. They're half dead already, you have to hack off about 12 inches worth of stems before you can go search through all your cabinets to find a vase to display them in, and then you have to add that weird little packet of floral crack that perks them back up and gives them the will to live for another day and a half.

As much as I resent those flowers, they are still not as bad as the now semi-infamous long sleeve t-shirt I got from the bargain bin at Walgreen's one year, and that horrible shirt will never be as bad as a gift given to a dear friend's mom, who was the unlucky recipient of a Valentine's Day back brace. (Sorry, honey, I know that t-shirt incident was years ago, but if you give a woman a gift of that caliber you can rest assured it will haunt you for decades to come.) After some roller coaster-worthy highs and lows in the gift department, we are now mercifully on a gift moratorium.

In lieu of gifts, we will, however, exchange cards and that presents a challenge in and of itself. After searching numerous stores for the right sentiment, it appears that the choices consist mainly of cartoon characters holding a heart or a sixteen paragraph soliloquy written in scrolling cursive professing my undying love for the man who makes my life complete. Seriously? Where are the real cards that say things that real couples say? You know, the ones that convey "Sure we want to kill each other occasionally, but we don't, so let's celebrate that." Hallmark, you're really missing the mark on this one.

Naturally, there will be an abundance of expressions of love on social media. I would like to take this opportunity to beg of you: if you love someone, perhaps let them know how you feel by simply turning to them in person and telling them, rather than gush about it on Facebook? Do your elementary school principle, your former neighbor, your pet sitter, and 563 of your closest "friends" really need to share in your tender feelings of fondness for your significant other? I think not, and so do they, trust me on this. If you can't work up the nerve to speak your affection, those brilliant wordsmiths over at Hallmark will gladly sell you a Snoopy card to convey the message.

In an attempt to be a better sport, I made an effort to embrace this ho hum holiday on Friday night; Starbucks has introduced their new Valentine beverages and so, unable to resist the lure of anything labeled seasonal or limited time, I convinced Clint to try a Cherry Mocha with me. After all, Starbucks describes this concoction like this: "Our cherry treat-inspired mocha combines our signature espresso, Mocha sauce, and cherry flavored syrup. Topped with cocoa Valentine sprinkles, it's love at every sip." Who doesn't want love at every sip? I regret to report back that I did not feel the slightest bit of infatuation, although Clint liked his but wouldn't go as far as professing love. If you want to save some coffee money and create your own, I imagine a couple of packets of Swiss Miss cocoa mix and a big shot of cherry NyQuil will duplicate the flavors quite nicely. Once again, this Valentine thing just does not live up to the hype.

If you are considering celebrating with a nice dinner out, I'm sure there are still reservations available--so long as you wanted to dine at either 4:30 in the afternoon or 10:15 at night. If that doesn't exactly make you all warm and gooey with love, Papa John's is offering heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine's Day again this year. For just $14.99, you can say how you feel in the form of melted mozzarella and sliced pepperoni. It's not exactly sophisticated, but I wouldn't turn it away, either.

However you choose to celebrate, be it with a heart-shaped pizza, a cartoon card, or a NyQuil love-at-first-sip mocha, I think there's one thing we can all look forward to, and that's the fact that come February 15, all that leftover chocolate will be on sale. And that's a holiday worth celebrating.