Your Summer Best

We're almost to Memorial Day, which is considered the unofficial start of summer, and the kickoff for sunny days spent at the pool or the beach, enjoying the lazy days of the season. As we begin this summertime, I want to take this opportunity, Southerners, to implore you not to fall into some of your typical warm weather behaviors. This goes beyond my request that you get a pedicure before putting your feet on display (please), I'm talking about risky and annoying behavior that we need to curb, ASASP: as soon as Southernly possible.

For starters, and this one is important, just because your body can be squeezed into a bikini does not mean it should be trussed up in that fashion (men, this applies equally to a Speedo, so listen up). Having a positive body image doesn't necessarily need to include triangle tops and bare bellies, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with suiting up in a nice one-piece suit that actually provides a little coverage. You don't want all of your candy falling out of the proverbial wrapper, do you? I saw several women who weighed more than my husband on the beaches of Tahiti sporting swimwear that would have better fit my 18-pound dog. Because I think highly of anyone who reads my blog, I opted not to include any visuals for this particular item. You can thank me later.

I think we can all agree that Southerners are by-and-large fascinated by explosives. As one who is drawn to anything that shines or sparkles, I can appreciate a good round of fireworks, but y'all: down here, summer seems to be the only occasion necessary for blowing up a round of them each and every night. They are available everywhere from the gas station to the grocery store to the Dollar Tree, and I feel like every dusk from May to September there are truckloads of them being set off, and it's annoying. Let's keep fireworks special by using them for big celebrations like our nation's birthday, not just to combat boredom on a Tuesday night in June.

Maybe make these special and use them just once a week, would you?

No matter what you may have seen Britney Spears do, please do not venture barefoot into public places, including but not limited to restrooms. It's not sanitary, and even if it (miraculously) doesn't give you an infectious disease, it makes the rest of us feel queasy just watching. At the very least, throw on a cheap pair of flip flops--they have them at the Dollar Tree and we all know you are headed there to buy fireworks, anyway.

Oops, she should never do this again.

I know you love that handy spray sunscreen, but I beg of you: please use a brief moment of precaution try not to douse yourself when I am directly downwind. One minute, I am enjoying the surf and the sand, and the next I feel like I am being maced by an angry pineapple. It's a lethal combination of chemicals and tropical scent that fills nearby sunbathers' lungs, eyes, and mouths and it is not at all pleasant. Be aware of your surroundings, and if you really want to reach genius sunscreen levels, spray it into your hands and wipe it on your body. I promise the people around you will love you for it.

I'll apply my sunscreen myself, no need to spray me with yours.

My last plea for good summer behavior is in regards to that Southern summer delicacy revered and respected by any good citizen of the South: the tomato sandwich. I recently came across an article that featured ways to "get creative with your tomato sandwiches." In a word, people, NO. Do not get creative. The halfwit who wrote this article suggested using croissants, bagels, and even rye bread in addition to different types of spreads to add variety to your tomato sandwich. You can have whatever you want for lunch, but frankly my dear, if it doesn't come on fresh white loaf bread that sticks to the roof of your mouth, it's not a true tomato sandwich. Use homegrown tomatoes whenever humanly possible, salt and pepper that thing to high heaven, and don't even get me started on the required use of Duke's mayonnaise. That. Is. All. If you feel the need to tear basil, sprinkle celery salt, slather hummus, or slice avocado, do that right over the trash can and keep away from my sandwich. If it ain't broke, after all....

Loaf bread, tomatoes, and mayo. The Southern sandwich trinity.

There you have it; just a few, simple practices to make summer great again. Enjoy the longer days, the (hopefully) slower pace, and everything that the season has to offer. Just please don't do it while walking around a gas station barefoot, eating a tomato and hummus on croissant sandwich, and setting up your fifth fireworks display of the week. It's too hot down here to put up with those kinds of shenanigans, y'all.