Minding Your (Football) Manners

Here in the South, we are passionate about college football. (In truth, we are passionate about many things, from Bible school to biscuits to sweet tea and back again, but I digress). We hold firm in our traditions, superstitions, and the belief that our team is The Team: the one that deserves greatness above all others.

I'm no different. I dress in team colors, paint my face (tastefully, of course), and sing the fight song every time the occasion calls for it. I've been known to break a fibula after a particularly thrilling victory, so far be it from me to tell anyone to tame their enthusiasm for their favorite team. It does seem, however, that we are beginning to let our zeal get the better of us when it comes to dealing with the fans of those *other* teams.

For many, the weekend after Thanksgiving is the time for our most heated rivalry games: the Palmetto Bowl played between Clemson and the University of South Carolina, the Egg Bowl with Ole Miss and Mississippi State, the Iron Bowl for the Alabama versus Auburn match-up, and the aptly named Clean Old-Fashioned Hate between Georgia Tech and Georgia (apparently, the state of Georgia calls it like it sees it on this one). With that in mind, I want to talk a bit about minding our football manners.

I would suggest to you that, if you find yourself tempted to taunt the opponent, you are doing something wrong. There are much better ways to make use of one's time on a game day--tailgate socializing, sipping, munching, and enjoying the atmosphere that comes with fall football days on campus. And, lest we forget, there is the matter of watching the actual game and cheering on your team. But if you find yourself straying from the path of good taste and you need a few pointers to keep you in line, consider these tips for the most sportsmanlike conduct:

Adjust your bow tie or reapply some lip gloss (options may vary depending on your gender and/or gentility). You've heard that looking good is the best revenge, so make sure you are the best possible representation of your team by being the shining star that you are. Sneering and jeering at the other team will only cause you to become disheveled, and that would be a shame.

Refresh your beverage. I personally do not believe in wine at a football tailgate, but to each their own. Our general tailgate sentiment is beer, bourbon, or be gone (Bloody Marys are also welcome), but the point here is to keep your attention focused on good things like raising a glass in toast to the pageantry of college football, rather than tormenting (or being tormented).

Make another leisurely lap around that tailgate buffet table. Take your time to select the nibble of your choice--not only will it likely taste delicious, it will keep your mouth full and keep you quiet for a bit. Chick-fil-A party tray, or a smear of Aunt Jane's famous homemade cheese ball? Cream cheese brownie, or M&M cookie? These are the real issues of the day.

Kill 'em with kindness. I know sometimes we wish we could literally kill them, but this will have to do. Plaster on your sweetest smile, take a deep breath, and dare to actually befriend the enemy. Make your rival scratch their head and wonder what has gotten into you as you extend all the congeniality your little heart can muster. Wish them luck (even if you don't mean a word of it). They'll want you to be despicable and it will crush their dreams when you...aren't. And if that method fails you:

Turn the other cheek. Literally. If Team Other Guys fan base is determined to have fighting words, from experience, the best thing you can do to put out that fire is to simply ignore them. Obnoxious people tend to wither away from inattention, so avoid making eye contact and turn your thoughts to more pleasant notions, like how good it's going to feel when your team beats the pants off these doofuses and they leave the stadium in shame.

Ask the "Alabama question." This one is basically foolproof and guaranteed to take the wind out of any fan's sales, unless you happen to be talking to someone clad in houndstooth and cheering on the Crimson Tide. The question, "Can anyone beat Alabama?" is both complex and mind-boggling, kind of like asking if a tree falls in the forest makes a sound, or why the Kardashians are famous. There is no simple answer, and the mere thought of all us Davids trying to beat that Goliath is a real kumbaya moment that brings even the most divided groups together.

If you have time to taunt the opposing team's fans, you're doing it wrong.

I'm not saying you can't speak ill of the opposing team; I'm simply reminding you that, because we are the South and we are known for outwardly blessing hearts while inwardly screaming, all of your mockery should be done in private, just like chewing gum or blowing your nose. This is why often, as wonderful as the atmosphere can be in a college football stadium, the very best seat is in your own living room. There, you are free to rant, rave, ridicule, and rib all you wish. Get it out of your system before you run into your Gamecock-loving neighbor in the bread aisle of the grocery store so you can maintain some level of calm when he calls your alma mater "Clemp-Son." Then bless his chicken cheering heart and go on your way.

I fully believe it is possible to still be passionate while keeping your class and your wits about you. So, wear your team's colors, paint your face (tastefully, of course), and sing the fight song every time the occasion calls for it. Celebrate with your other fans, and leave the opposition out of it. Don't fall prey to their jeers and jibes, because mama taught you to be above all of that. If all else fails, go ahead and throw out the tried-and-true Alabama question. There's plenty of room on the high road for us to all put our heads together and try to figure that one out.