New Year, New...Nevermind

Well, the eggnog has run out and the sausage balls are moldy (sob), so I suppose Christmas time has officially ended. I know all good things must come to an end, but what sadist invented January? Not only do we have to put away all the pretty, sparkly, shiny Christmas decorations, but the whole world collectively starts a diet as well? What a recipe for happiness.

I'm all for self-improvement, believe me, but I just can't get into this new-year-new-me mindset that sweeps the masses this time of year. I'm not going to make any wild, over-the-top resolutions that are impossible to attain. Ever the sensible one, I've decided instead to give myself a few 2020 aspirations that are are a little more achievable and realistic.

1. I really, really hope to stop building character. Every time something terrible happens, inevitably, some well-meaning person will remind me, "it builds character." However, after forty plus years of character building, I've decided that it would be greedy to continue to hoard character the way I have been. I think I will continue just fine with the character I've already stored up, so the universe can just keep all those building experiences away from me in 2020.

2. I will not panic like the rest of the South when the forecast calls for 1/8 of an inch of snow. I will dutifully stockpile bread and milk (and Chex Mix, because duh) and stay inside until the threat has passed and the snow has melted enough to reveal the luster of red mud below. Keep calm and watch Netflix...that, I just know I can do.

3. I will say ma'am and sir. That may seem shocking for a self-professed Southern belle to say, and let me assure you, I already say ma'am and sir, but my resolution is to continue doing just that. I wavered ever-so-briefly about this a few months ago when a new neighbor seemed to take offense at my calling her ma'am: "Why did you say ma'am to me? Because you think I'm old?" After polling as many gentile-mannered friends as possible, I am reassured that using ma'am and sir are simply signs of respect and not age-related in any way. Besides, speaking of age, I've been saying ma'am and sir my whole life and I'm not really up for learning any new tricks at this stage in the game. No, sir.

4. Believe it or not, I resolve to sparkle more. As we started the sad, painful, depressing process of taking down all the Christmas decor, I lamented to a friend last week how desolate I think everything looks this time of year. She told me she thinks of it as clean and renewed, but I expressed my love for all things that sparkle and shine and told her it's just not the same without it all. In her wisdom, she told me to just get more things that sparkle and shine. What a game plan! Does anyone know the name of Elton John's interior decorator?

5. This year, I'm also planning to drink more Diet Coke. Yep, that's right. While everyone is telling you to stop drinking soda and flood your body with enough water to float a boat, I've decided that Diet Coke is my vice and vices keep things interesting. My adoring spouse will plainly tell you--as he's told me on several occasions--that I'm a nicer person to be around when I'm drinking Diet Coke. Sure, I can get a caffeine fix from coffee, but I still require a Diet Coke every few days to really keep things effervescent (see what I did there?).

6. Last, but certainly not least, I want to break less in 2020. You see, last year my trusty retainer broke, my veneer on my right front tooth cracked and had to be replaced, and my left ankle snapped like a twig after a fall down a couple of stairs. And that all happened in the first four months of the year! I'm resolving to try and stay whole this year...well, except for breaking records or breaking hearts, which sometimes just can't be helped. Wink.

I have a few more minor tweaks I'm considering, like refreshing my Spanx collection (those poor things have been stretched to the max and back again, especially this time of year. Thank you darlings for your Herculean efforts) and *maybe* reducing my number of eye rolls, but everything in moderation...including moderation.

Forget about those trite resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, get in shape (round is a shape, after all), eat more vegetables: blah! Instead, just keep on being the version of you that's already gotten you this far. Maybe just resolve to have a happy 2020 and let it take itself from there. And if that fails, crack open an ice cold Diet Coke, hike up your Spanx, and add some rhinestones wherever you can.

Now these seem more reasonable. Happy New Year!