Happily Ever After

Sunday was Valentine's Day, and romance was in the air--well, not at my house (I had a two-day migraine, bless my heart), but I imagine it was alive and well somewhere. At least you all made it seem what way from your braggadocious postings on social media, anyway (y'all know people hate that, right?). Remember when it was possible to love each other without needing to post it online for your friends, neighbors, and sixth grade piano teacher all to see and read? The times, clearly, have changed.

If St.Valentine's left you feeling less than warm and fuzzy toward your beloved, let me offer you some words of advice for general relationship happiness: lower your expectations. There are very few men who truly care about Hallmark holidays and if they do, they are terrible at showing it. Expecting sweeping romantic gestures from a man who uses toothpicks and considers putting the toilet seat down an act of chivalry is a fool's errand, and you are no fool. Are you? 

After you lower your expectations, next I would encourage you to take all future gift giving matters into your very own capable hands. This is your chance to take charge of your fate. Seize your destiny. At the very least, get yourself something non-ugly that won't make you cry and/or depressed. If you hate the idea of shopping for yourself, present your significant other with a very detailed gift wish list. My husband and I email each other Christmas lists which contain actual web links to purchase the very items our little hearts desire. It may not make for lots of Christmas morning surprises, but it has eliminated lots of heartbreak and many an argument as well. If a list is too laborious, might I suggest cash? As my granddaddy was fond of saying, the color looks good on everyone and the size is always just right. 

Our 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in December. You don't survive nearly two decades together without learning a few tips and tricks for staying happily ever after. You know that part in your marriage vows when the preacher says, "speak now, or forever hold your peace?" Keep that hold your peace part in the forefront of your mind. (Remember that country song that says, "Now you say it best when you say nothing at all?") If you can't manage silence, then I recommend muttering. After a while, the other party will quit asking what you said and you can pretty much get away with anything, so long as it's said in a low rumble. 

In Helen Ellis's hilarious book Southern Lady Code she advises "separate bathrooms, and if you can't afford that, separate peanut butter jars." There is much wisdom in Helen's words. My husband uses the guest bathroom upstairs and I can't even clean it without wanting to pack a little hobo bindle and run away from home. I try my best not to even make eye contact with it if at all possible. Which is why I think eye contact, on the whole, is very overrated. If you wanted to stay happy in a relationship for the long haul, it's usually best not to spend inordinate amounts of time looking at things. Glance at each other, smile, kiss, keep moving. It leaves no time for disagreeing. Have you seen my wallet? I don't look around much. Did you see how dumb that was? No, darling, I don't gaze upon such things! Don't stare too long at the house and you won't argue over home improvements or clutter. See? Or rather, don't see where I'm going with this? You're already not speaking, you might as well dull your other senses while you're at it. What is a fulfilling relationship if not a virtual deprivation tank? 

Another good rule of happiness, and a delight to the senses you have remaining: the simple but magnificent taco. Tacos will go a long way to Band-Aid a situation, and I'm not even using tacos as euphemism here. I literally mean that when the going gets tough, get some ground beef, cheese, tortillas, and serve 'em up. They're cheap, and I can't think of a single time I have made tacos that Clint hasn't forgotten his troubles. It may be impossible to stay mad while eating a taco. Who needs therapy when you can buy an Old El Paso taco kit? (You will need to personally determine if your significant other's love language is hard or soft tacos, although I believe the taco is generally a universal language). 

My final piece of relationship contentment advice (for now) is to watch lots of true crime. In doing so, you will learn--as we have--that spouses kill each other, and frequently. This will give you an appreciation that the person you are coupled with has not bludgeoned you in your sleep, poisoned your dinner, or paid a hitman to take you out in all the years you two have been together. Which kind of gives your relationship a whole new kind of happy glow about it, now doesn't it? Dateline airs weekly on NBC and it's one of our favorites. Now, get out there and keep your mouth and eyes shut, your bathrooms separate, your taco nights plentiful, and walk with a I'm-still-alive spring in your step. 

And they lived happily (for the most part) ever after.

Just for your relationship bliss, I've created a Happily Ever After bingo card.
It's much smaller than a regular bingo card, because let's face it, relationships are hard enough.