Do I Look Fat?

Last week, I had no less than three people insinuate that I am overweight. Chubby. Flabby. Rotund, if you will. Two of them are dear friends of mine and one is a family member, and all of them, bless their hearts, were well-meaning. It began innocently enough when I remarked to Friend #1 that I believed myself to look fat in a video that a neighbor had filmed of our dogs playing. I can't really say it was just the camera angle, as there were lots of them involved what with a moving film and all, and everyone else in this particular video looked like their usual self, so I have to assume somewhat brokenheartedly that I do look like the girl I saw. However, and this is what I have gathered you all here today to discuss, when I broached this subject with my friend, I did not anticipate that she would respond, "Have you had your thyroid checked?"

First of all, yes darling, I have had my thyroid checked. Twice. My doctor said he has never seen someone quite so devastated to get healthy test results. In actuality, my thyroid function is right on the border, which means it won't keep me slim but I can't get any medication for it, either. Such is almost always my luck. It turns out that even if you have a blazing, healthy, active thyroid, 30-plus years of yo-yo dieting will still seriously slow down your metabolism. One day you will eat a taco and your body will just hold onto that bad boy for dear life, afraid that it will never taste tacos again. One day you will see yourself in an innocent video of some pups playing and think you look like a linebacker for a professional football team. And then Friend #1 will ask about your thyroid. Lord, in your mercy.

Disheartened, I relayed the story to Friend #2, seeking encouragement. And this friend really, really tried. However, what I got was more than I bargained for, and I hope you will understand why. In his pep talk, which went into more detail than need be, Friend #2 told me that as long as my husband is still happy with the way I am, and I am still happy with the way I am, it is perfectly fine to be the way I am, and then he iced that cake with "you are still fabulous." Still? Despite what, exactly? 

A few days after the sting of that buxom buddy conversation started to wane, Facebook memories popped up from when I competed in the Mrs. North Carolina pageant, way back in 2010. I sat on my couch in my elastic waistband and looked at pictures of a very skinny, tan, younger version of myself and did not feel great about the current version of moi. About that time, the phone rang and I lamented my situation to a family member who was calling. "You've always been great about getting your weight off before," I was assured. "I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can do it again." Um, thanks?

Never mind that the girl in those pictures was more than ten years younger, worked out two hours a day, and sometimes went to bed teary-eyed because she was so hungry. I'm not sure I want to go back to a weight where I refused cough drops when I had a cold because I wasn't sure how many calories were in a Hall's mentholyptus or get back into the practice of putting Preparation-H on my stomach and wrapping myself in Saran Wrap in hopes of tightening my skin (true story). If that's what it takes, I'm not sure I still have what it takes.

Here I am, in June of 2010.
This June, thanks to the support of my friends and family, I'll be swimming in my t-shirt.

Now that I've given you the background, I want you to listen carefully: the answer to anyone, anytime, who questions or remarks that they do, they may, they think, they wonder, that it is possible that they look fat is this: NO! You do not look fat! You look wonderful/beautiful/marvelous/gorgeous/ravishing...I'll allow you to take it from here, but my stars, people, I really thought we all already knew that. 

If someone asks if they look fat, do not tell them about your great Aunt Gayle with the thyroid problem, who everyone just loves anyway, especially her cats!

If someone asks if they look fat, do not tell tell them that the Dress Barn is having a fabulous sale on caftans and they have lots of size extra larges left.

If someone asks if they look fat, do not tell them about the weight loss plan that helped you lost 22 pounds in 22 days and ask them to join your team so you can help them on their weight loss journey if they will just Venmo you the money and become part of your multi-level marketing company. 

There is only one appropriate response and we both know what it is. That response is NO! It's time to channel Nancy Reagan and her 1980s anti-drug campaign and Just Say No again, because clearly we as a humanity have forgotten. I'm here for a refresher course. This is now a public service post, so if you didn't know before, now you know (or now you no, whichever). Don't say anything else, because surely you learned from my experience last week that you will just mess it up. You will step all in it. We are all our own critics. No one is seeking your fitness tips, your diet advice, your stories about some medication that worked wonders--that is not what we came for, so save it. Repeat after me that one little word: NO! You do not look fat. You look great! Wasn't that easy?

You will need to say it as quickly and as convincingly as possibly. Channel Meryl Streep and give the best performance of your life. Say it like you mean it and like your life depends on it. Say it with gusto. Because the day may come when you will need someone to say it to you, and when you ask, "do I look fat?" you will want that favor returned.

Now, if you'll excuse me, before I make my audition tape for the show My 800-Pound Life, I have a protein shake to make. I'm enjoying those for two meals a day now and snacking on ice water. Hey, I can lose my extra weight, and the good news is, I'll always maintain my manners. And in that department, some of you have some gaining to do.