Revisiting: The Ten Commandments for the Fantastically Fabulous

For Whom the Belle Tolls has been around for a few years now, and while a lot has changed since I started blogging (I finally broke down and got a smartphone), much has stayed the same (I'm still largely held together by hairspray and hot glue). Even though I wrote this little introduction all the way back in December 2012, I still find these truths to be self-evident. For those of you who have known me all along, you'll see that this leopard has not changed its spots, and for those of you who may be new to the Belle Tolls, this should get you up to speed pretty quickly. Go ahead and count this little stroll down memory lane as your cardio for the day, and enjoy.

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Just the facts ma'am: born and raised in the great state of Georgia, I am a true Southern belle who loves all things prissy, frilly, and frou frou. My family has self-diagnosed me with OCD, which I prefer to call HOE...highly organized and efficient. That's right, I am a proud HOE. I graduated from Clemson and adore everything about it. My blood runneth orange. I married my mom's college roommate's son (take a minute, that one's tricky to diagnose) whom I met when our moms reunited after 20+ years and quickly realized they had some matchmaking to do.

My hubs turned out to be a serious workaholic, which allowed me to "retire" at the ripe old age of 29 - a full year before the goal of 30 I set for myself! I am now a very happy housewife and my only child is our 16 pound ball of canine chaos, our bichon frise Cotton. As you will quickly come to know, I decided to start blogging because my life practically begs for it. These things write themselves, and truth really is better than fiction.

Rather than write an autobiography (yawn), I thought it more helpful and much more entertaining to give you some commandments, in addition to the Big Ten, that I like to live by...also known as the ten commandments for the fantastically fabulous (hey, no where did I write that I was humble, 'kay?).

1. The higher the hair, the closer to God. I heard a Real Housewife last week incorrectly state that the higher the heel, the closer to God. Nice try, but anyone can buy a pair of really high heels. Big hair can only be achieved by the perfect combination of hot rollers, teasing and aerosol hairspray. It's an art.

2. Mind thy mom and thy manners. Both are trying to keep you looking classy and out of trouble.

3. Thou shalt enjoy thy guilty pleasures. Personally, I love Days of Our Lives, Diet Coke and beauty pageants, to name a few. I am a future Wheel of Fortune contestant just waiting to be discovered.

4. Thou shalt resist the urge to strangle thy spouse and/or give thy dog away free to the first taker. Men and dogs are very similar species in that both will eat almost anything, constantly get into mischief, require a good deal of obedience training, and will fall asleep at any given time, circumstance or argument be damned.

5. Thou shalt not steal another woman's boyfriend or her bargain. Life is hard enough for us without the bad juju of stealing someone else's beau, and heaven forbid you steal her Neiman Marcus for Target Collection find out of her cart while she isn't looking. Believe in karma, because if you don't, it will come back to bite you right in the butt.

6. It it sparkles or shines, thou shalt adore it. Rhinestones, glitter, bright lights, sequins, and lest we forget, diamonds. I love it all because it just makes life more fun. And pretty.

7. Thou shall start thy diet on Monday. Never refuse a cocktail or a shared dessert with a friend in the name of losing that last five pounds. Life is too short, and cocktails and dessert are too much fun. They should not be passed by, particularly on those holiest of days, the weekend. You can go back to your Crystal Light and rice cakes on Monday.

8. Honor thy lips and thy lip gloss. I once read that Will Rogers said, "Live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." As tempting as it is, word always gets out.
So be careful what comes out of those lips, and while you're at it, swipe on some lip gloss. I never met a woman who didn't look better with a touch of gloss.

9. Love thy neighbor, or at least pretend to when you see them on the street. It's the right thing to do in the name of Southern hospitality. Plus, it makes walks to the mailbox less awkward. And while we're at it, if someone says hello to you in passing, you are morally obligated to say hello in return. Anything less is tacky, and no one wants to be labeled tacky (unless you're Dolly Parton or Nicki Minaj, in which case, do what you feel).

10. Remember football season and keep it holy. Here in the South, college football is filled with pomp and pageantry. Rivalries can divide husband and wife, brother and sister, even mother and child. We take it seriously and we do it right. So put out your best gourmet tailgate, pack up the cooler, and put on your cutest outfit in your team's colors. Dress need not be comfortable, mind you: you are not actually playing any football. All you need to be able to do is sip and socialize. Because no matter what anyone may tell you, that's what it's really all about.

And there you have it. So the next time you pass a flat-haired woman without lip gloss, who doesn't say hello because she's cranky from not eating dessert, maybe share this with her and give her a nudge in the right direction. I'll leave it at that, because commandment number eleven is: never tell them everything you know. Wink.