It's A Small (Plate) World

I'm about to go off on a tangent, but please bear with me: it is my birthday month, after all, and I suppose I've reached an age where I am prone to ranting (the next stop will be yelling at neighborhood children to "get off my lawn!"). We have been trying to decide on a restaurant for my birthday dinner next week, and each time I check the menu for a new hot spot in town, I find the same situation: a menu full of small plates. It appears that no one wants to simply serve you a nice meal on a regular plate any more that consists of an entree and accompanying sides. Now, everything is meant to be shared (the Spanish term for small plates is tapas, which any time I say, causes at least one listener to go wide-eyed thinking I said "topless"). Have small plates taken over the world?

Dinner is served?

My first problem with this tiny taste phenomenon is, naturally given my er, frugal nature, the price of such an experience. Serving small plates is really just a restaurant scheme to charge $12 for three bites of food, thus requiring you to order 4 or 5 of these minuscule plates in an effort to actually feed yourself and accumulating a whopping bill. You see, if these establishments tried charging you $40 for an entree, you would wince. Instead, you are nickel and dimed for your myriad of wee little nibbles and don't realize that very small plates add up to very large bills when it's time to pay the check. It's deceitful, really (and not just a wee bit).

Not that I am a huge fan of vegetables or an adamantly healthy eater, but small plates practically guarantee that your meal will be junk food, devoid of any actual nutritional value. You see, when faced with the choice of a just ordering a few items to comprise a meal, when every choice matters, no one is going to choose the green beans over the fried oysters or the Brussels sprouts over the pork belly. And so, where in a normal setting your guilty pleasure would typically come with perhaps a side salad or some broccoli, suddenly your meal consists of steamed pork buns, beef tartar, fried chicken sliders, and short ribs...without a plant in sight. It's a cardiologist's nightmare.

My mom is notorious for eating like a bird; more often than not, when she is served a very normal-sized portion of food, she will survey her plate and ask us, "Who could possibly eat all that?" It's become a joke with Clint and me, since we are ravenous, hearty eaters. We usually just laugh and chime in, "we can!" But with these thimble-sized portions and tiny dots on plates that seem to merely symbolize food rather than actually being edible, I don't even think it's enough to feed Mom (although if you gave her a big cup of coffee...)! Who are we kidding with this, people? Who leaves these small plate establishments feeling full and satisfied?

I'm sure this has become trendy for a reason, so people must like eating off of teacup saucers instead of ordering real meals when they dine out. I, personally, prefer an actual dinner plate. Give me a plate, a platter, heck, even an all-you-can-eat buffet. Put the food out family style, use a lazy Susan, heap those helpings, pile it on. I'll be fine with one of those plastic baskets lined with wax paper (which are usually filled with delicious food). Just please don't give me dinner that looks as if it belongs on the table in the Barbie Dream House.

Please do not attempt to serve me food that should belong in Barbie's dining room.

I'm going to keep looking for the right place for a birthday dinner. Hopefully, it will include good atmosphere, real-sized and flavorful food, and portions that will make my mom ask, "Who could possible eat all that?" Wish me luck.