Not Too Bright

I don't know if you've noticed (and if you haven't, bless your heart, you might be part of the problem), but the world seems to have gotten...a little bit dumb lately. I don't mean in the goofy, lovable, quirky way so much as I mean the jaw-droppingly, sound-the-alarm, what is happening here kind of circumstance that leaves you wondering if you're the only functioning human left. I have encountered my share of stupid lately, and I feel the need to share. Misery loves company, after all.

A few months ago, I was in the early throes of my broken ankle. It was particularly hot that day, and I had expended most of my energy and gusto hobbling to the orthopedist for a checkup. Mercifully, he gave me a new pain medicine prescription, and so I made my way to my local pharmacy to have it filled. As I waited in line, uncomfortably shifting my weight onto my good foot and getting more tired and woozy by the second, a pharmacy technician opened up a new line and asked if he could help whoever was next. I kid you not, the woman behind me, who was perhaps in her early 60s (old enough to know better and too young to play the little old lady card), who appeared to be in excellent health, sidestepped my unsteady stance and walked right up to the counter. This is rude, it is unacceptable, and it cannot stand. I did what any preturbed Southerner does in these type situations: I threw up my hands, gave a bewildered stare, and loudly exclaimed, "Ma'am. MA'AM. Really?" She feigned shock, paused for a half second, and then asked, "Oh, I guess I was behind you, wasn't I? Did you want to go next?" Are you kidding me? I did and I do, and I got my prescription and got the heck out of there. I didn't want to be driving on the road at the same time as that half wit.

Not too long after that, I was making small talk with an acquaintance that could have potentially turned into a real, actual friendship. I mentioned to this woman that, as my ankle healed, I had been given permission to ride a stationary bike, and luckily we had one at home. To my amazement, she tipped her head inquisitively to the side (much in the same way dogs do when curious about something) and asked, "What's a stationary bike?" I decided then and there we would never be friends. Then I wondered if she thought I was talking about a "stationery" bike, and I laughed at the idea of a bike made from beautiful paper and note cards. Then I realized she probably had no idea what stationery is either, and I quit thinking about any of it because I was afraid I would wind up in a straight jacket.

As of late, I have had a gentleman stand in my kitchen and inquire whether or not our home has a fireplace--it was literally 15 feet behind him in plain view, and a neighborhood lady I talk to when I'm out walking the dog repeatedly say "curtsy" when she meant "courtesy" (much like the stationary bike moment, this one did give me some funny visuals, so it wasn't all bad). I'm not sure if it's something in the water, if it's the time we spend mindlessly on our phones, the way the Kardashians keep multiplying at an alarming rate, or what exactly it is that is causing this outbreak of dumb, but take a look: it's all around you. And the more I encounter it, the less patience I have for it. I think, as a "curtsy" to those around me, I need a timeout.

If you don't see me by Christmas, maybe hop on your stationary bike and come look for me. I may or may not be standing near my fireplace.