For Whom the Belle Tolls COVID-19 Response

I've gotten a slew of emails from any and every business I've ever so much as glanced at sideways about how they are responding to this COVID-19 epidemic (or the coronavirus in case you're lucky enough not to know) and so I thought it might be time for me to let you all know how this belle is reacting to the situation. Eye. Roll. I turned on the news this morning and the only things discussed for the entirety of an hour were the weather (more rain coming, no surprise there) and the virus outbreak. It got so monotonous I had to put on a throwback episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 and drink my coffee viewing simpler times. (Kelly got shot and had amnesia and it was still less dramatic than all these health updates.)

People are panicking. Schools are closing, events are cancelled, sports are on indefinite hiatus, spring break is in shambles. I went to a cocktail dinner last night when a man (I cannot bring myself to call him a gentleman because of what I will tell you next) refused to shake hands but insisted on something he called an "elbow bump" as a form of greeting. When it seems like the world around you is losing its collective cool, let me remind you of this: Southerners do not panic (well, except in cases of snow, but I digress). Southern belles, in particular, do not let their fear get the better of them. Ask yourself, what would Scarlett do? She would tear down those velvet drapes and make herself a ball gown! Or a face mask...whichever. My point is that at no time would she cower in fear to a disease whose symptoms include a runny nose and sneezing.

We have all been encouraged to wash our hands frequently, avoid touching our faces, and to use good personal hygiene. Well, honey. I hope for the sake of your upbringing that you were doing these things already, and if not: coronavirus be damned, do it in the name of manners and common sense. Wash your hands like you've just finished eating barbecue ribs at a picnic and now it's time to smooth the wrinkles out of your white sundress. Don't touch your face because it will make your lovely skin breakout. Don't stand too close to strangers because frankly, that's weird. Surely we didn't need a pandemic to teach us that.

I'm also baffled as to why toilet paper and toothpaste are being hoarded? In the event that we all come down with this sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching plague and go into quarantine, what are you going to do with 517 rolls of Charmin? Roll your own yard for entertainment? Brush your teeth into oblivion? If you must hoard, at least get the good stuff that can be used to keep occupied and content while you're confined to your quarters: hoard junk food, gossip magazines, cocktail mixers, booze. Better yet, hoard some common sense because it is in exceedingly short supply.

We need clarity in these crazed days. Cleanliness is next to godliness, we are above hoarding practices, and if you look good, you feel good. Which brings me to my next point: if you must don a protective face mask, help ease the suffering in the world around you during this precarious time by at least putting on a little eye makeup. Give them something else to look at besides your surgical face equipment. Try a statement earring, or if you are too weak to exert any real type of cosmetic effort, draw a pair of lips on that mask and put your best corona-face forward. After all, as every Southern woman knows, "everyone looks better with a little color."

This is me, two years ago, seeing my doctor because I had the flu.
While it's not my best look, you will note I did at least compensate with an attractive earring and two coats of mascara.

And so there you have it. While the rest of the world wrings their hands and attempts to turn tequila into hand sanitizer (such a waste of good margarita ingredients), act like a belle and stand strong. If we can survive ebola, anthrax, and three years of the tv show Jersey Shore, we can get through this one, too. After all, in case you haven't heard: tomorrow is another day.