Stop and Smell the Eggnog

Our Christmas tree is up. It has lights, some ribbon streamers, and a sparkly topper, but no ornaments as of yet. We're planning to decorate it tonight, with some Christmas music and a little sparkling apple cider. It happens to be the same night the tree is being lit in Rockefeller Center in New York City, so I'm patting myself on the back for being so timely and punctual. After all, nobody does Christmas like New York, so I'm happy to be co-decorating with them this evening, so to speak.

Some of you, however, just have to get ahead of the curve. Our Thanksgiving dishes were still soaking when I started seeing pictures of Christmas decorations, entirely finished and already brightly shining. My next door neighbors put up their decorations the day after Halloween--although they also hoard cats, rarely cut their grass, and store all kinds of trash on the side of their house, so maybe let's not take a page from their playbook, mmkay?

I saw a gorgeous picture Monday on Instagram of a friend's gifts, all beautifully and ornately wrapped. She's done with her shopping and now she's completely finished with her gift wrapping, too. Heck, I thought I was ahead of the game because I bought two gifts on Cyber Monday...and one of them was for myself. (Side note: years ago, I did all my Christmas shopping throughout the year rather than waiting until December, and wound up overspending by about $87,000 because I kept adding new gifts to everyone's cache. Never again.) My preacher sent out a timely text this week reminding all of us that Jesus wasn't born so we could overspend all month and work ourselves into a fitful yuletide frenzy; he's absolutely right and yet I still have to resist the urge to panic at everything there is to do and how much everyone else seems to have already done.

For whatever reason, practically every decoration or adornment we pulled out of storage has managed to become broken/mangled/inoperable over the last year, so our decorating is taking even more time and patience this season. I'm headed to Hobby Lobby this afternoon with a list approximately as long as the Dead Sea scrolls to restock our holiday arsenal and hopefully put the final festive touches on all our trimmings around here. Naturally, I have about a zillion other things to do, but that won't get better as the month progresses. Looking at my calendar for next week, I discovered we have one vet appointment, a dentist appointment, a Christmas concert, two parties, and a partridge in a pear tree...and in the midst of all this, I still have a husband and a dog who expect to be fed, watered, and cared for, as well. It's a shame Santa can't come early and bring us all a few extra hours in each December day.

A friend, whom I always consider to be on top of her game, sent me this yesterday. Not only did it give me a much needed belly laugh, the sentiment gave me much comfort in thinking that I'm not alone noticing all the Christmas overachievers that are running rampant right now:

Has life gotten so crazy that we can't relax and take it one holiday at a time? It's beyond exhausting trying to keep up with the seasonal Joneses. I'm going to take pride in the fact that my Christmas cards have been ordered (although not addressed, stamped, or sent), a handful of gifts have been procured, and a smattering of lights, garland, and trinkets are on display. We're not there yet, but I'm sure we will be. We still have a month, after all, so I'm pacing myself. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, but it's also one of the most hectic and stressful. Let's all take a deep breath, and may I suggest taking a little time to stop and smell the eggnog. Bonus points for adding a splash of bourbon to yours and taking a giant sip.

Tis the Season (To Stuff It)

You may know by now that I am a semi-professional dieter. In my less than forty years on this planet, I have tried, in no particular order: low fat, low calorie, high protein, intermittent fasting, Slim Fast,  the 3-day Diet, the South Beach Diet, the ABS Diet, Super Shred, Jackie Warner's "This Is Why You're Fat," Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Solution, and a program very similar to Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem called Healthy Weigh. It would be easier and way less tedious to tell you the methods I haven't tried. I'm undoubtedly leaving some diets out, but you get the idea: in the battle of the bulge, I am a General.

I've had my shares of ups and downs (and ups again), but this time of year in particular is a struggle for me. September is my husband's birthday month, then we begin tailgate season, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and finally Christmas--whew! I read an article a couple of weeks ago that said the average American gains ten pounds between Halloween and New Year's. As usual, and I don't mean to brag, I'm way above average. I gain weight in the fall like an actress getting ready to play a part.

So far this year, I've done really well. I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with myself and decided that perhaps it was time to drop gluttony from my list of hobbies. I've been having some green juice for breakfast each morning, switched out my Diet Coke for coffee with Stevia, and cut out carbs and dairy as much as humanly possible (except on weekends, for which I gladly pay penance during the rest of the week). But now I've been stricken. I've had a cough and cold for over two weeks now, and my doctor told me it's a virus that will just have to run its course. I haven't worked out in almost three weeks, and yesterday, while waiting on a call from the vet's office about my senior dog, I stress ate a half a bag of baked Cheetohs. Old habits die hard, that much is true.

What I'm hoping to do for the rest of the year is find a balance between my usual jolly holiday heifer ways and eating like a Victoria's Secret model before a runway show. It's all about balance, right? Whatever that means.

I'll tell you what it must not, cannot include: I saw a recipe a few nights ago on Pinterest for cauliflower stuffing. Please note there is no picture of this dish included in the blog, nor am I providing a link to the recipe for that vile creation. Go ahead and eat your cauliflower stuffing any other day of the year that you please, but in my opinion, it should be illegal on Thanksgiving. Innocent turkeys did not give their lives so we could serve them up with steamed cauliflower on what is arguably the most decadent day of the year. And the first one to mention Tofurky is going to get hurt. It will not do, people. It simply will not do.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from cauliflower stuffing, this year those fine purveyors of stuffing over at Stove Top introduced their very own stretchy pants just for the upcoming holiday and, alas, they have already sold out. I guess everyone wanted the chance to "wear the stuff Thanksgiving is made of."

Featuring XXL pockets for extra stuffing. 

The question now becomes: what if I don't want to wear matching maternity pants around the family table? I want to wear regular pants, maybe even with a zipper and button closure, but I want to eat real, delicious food at the same time. Am I crazy? (Don't answer that.)

Maybe, just maybe, I can make some kind of compromise here. I'll enjoy myself during the holidays, but I won't enjoy all I can eat of everything I can eat. Perhaps I'll limit myself to just one piece of my Mom's homemade cornbread dressing (knowing that I will eat leftovers at least four more times, of course). And when it's time for dessert, I'll actually choose just one kind of cake or pie instead of sampling them all. Yes, these sacrifices seem like something I can do.

I also haven't weighed myself since I was stricken with this relentless cough, and that might have to wait as well. I'll get back to my green juice and black coffee diet, don't get me wrong, but I'm also going to enjoy life and all the things I love about this time of year. 'Tis the season, after all: to stuff it!

We're All Candy Corn

I guess we had about a hundred trick or treaters Halloween night. They didn't start showing up until after 6:00, and I had a moment (or three) of panic that we were going to wind up with a half ton of candy and no one to take it away before I ate it all, but once the doorbell rang, we were inundated for a full two hours of nonstop candy swaps.

We had lots of superheros and princesses, the pudgiest and cutest little Wonder Woman who was too short to reach our doorbell, some older kids who were still trying their best to get into the Halloween spirit, and Henry, a fierce little pirate who was trick or treating for his first time. He deemed our front steps Mount Everest, but was so cute we brought the candy down to him and got an enthusiastic "arrgh!" in return.

I filled our candy bowl with all kinds of treats, including stickers and rings and bubbles and kaleidoscopes. The main reason for this, besides the fact that it's fun, is that I can't eat those things so they are less tempting to have around my house leading up to Halloween. Much to my relief, the kids got super excited over the trinkets, especially the bubbles, and enthusiastically rifled through our selection to pick out their goodies.

It kind of amazed me at how different the tastes in candy ran. Some kids would eagerly paw for the Starburst, while their friend would openly moan, "Eww, I hate Starburst! Gross!" One tween asked if she could have extra Lemonhead candies because they were her favorite, and I happily gave her two fistfuls because they were less than popular with most of our other crowd. Another kid specifically asked if we had candy corn and was utterly disappointed in telling us that not many people were handing out candy corn this year but he loved it.

I think we can all admit that candy corn is a controversial candy. People either love it or detest it and declare it inedible, but it almost always elicits a strong reaction from either camp. My friend Ellen was just saying a few weeks ago that it should be against the law, that's it's a hateful confection that is neither real candy nor real corn. And then we had a candy corn super fan practically begging house to house for the stuff. Funny how our tastes can be so different, isn't it?

I don't mind telling you that I had one of those "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" kind of weeks last week. I cried more than once, feeling lonely and unpopular and just plain down-and-out. Then a funny thing occurred to me Halloween night: we're all candy corn. Some days people can't get enough of us, enthusiastically singing our praises. Other days, they brush right by us and we're left feeling like the proverbial bottom of the candy bowl. It happens to everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. Sweet to some, unsavory to others, it's just a fact of life.

One of the Real Housewives of New York has a tag line: "I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste." I don't know if I'm ready to be as bold as that, but I'm not taking it personally any more either. You won't be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. Let those suckers walk around thirsty. And maybe start looking at candy corn a little differently from now on, too.