Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear Santa

Dearest, sweetest, most handsome Santa,

We both know how angelic perfect good I have been this year. Okay, maybe not totally flawless, but that would be annoying and not much fun at all. This girl believes she has been just the right mix of naughty and nice to earn some real finds under the tree Christmas morning.

There are some things money can't buy. Please don't bring me any of those things for Christmas. Your taste is usually impeccable, however, I wanted to make it easy on you by offering up some suggestions. I have come up with a short list of some items that I cannot find in stores and would especially thrill in getting. I have not doubt that the elves can make these wonders with minimal North Pole magic, no sweat. So, without further ado, I present my Christmas list:

1. This is what my little heart desires the most: one of those stick-your-head-inside hairdo machines that Jane and Judy Jetson had. It would give me hours, nay years, back to enjoy that I normally spend wielding a curling iron like a weapon and praying over my follicles. Do these two look like they are slaves to their hair? I think not.

2. Pajama Jeans. You see, they allegedly look like designer jeans but feel like you are wearing pajamas. Love that. Yes, I know that these are "as seen on TV" and technically are sold in stores, but they don't come in an extra small. Now Santa, don't get all big boy on me and begrudge me this fine gift just because I am petite and need a small size. I can practically picture Mrs. Claus rolling her eyes on this one, but hear me out. After all, they are Pajama Jeans and made to be roomy. If I were asking for skinny jeans, you bet your big black boots I wouldn't be requesting an extra small. While we're at it, Pajama Dress Pants and Pajama Cocktail Dresses would also be delightful.
3. A pair of cute shoes that don't make my feet feel like they have been clubbed with a sledgehammer while I am wearing them. Outside of the elves magical North Pole workshop, these do not exist in my world, but I would love for them to--oh the bliss! (Please, do not send me the curly toed wonders the elves always sport--not what I had in mind).
4. Some sort of low-voltage shock device to zap Clint when he's snoring/hogging the covers/invading my side of the bed. Nothing that will do any permanent damage, but something with enough kick to get his attention and give me a little satisfaction while using it. Since you see me when I'm sleeping and you know when I'm awake, you no doubt understand my need for this little ditty. Oh, and it should be shaped like a small pitchfork. Not for any functional reason, just for aesthetics. Zap, zap.
5. An apparel thermometer. Why these aren't sold in every store is beyond me. That's super great that it's 57 degrees out there, but what I really need to know is what the flip to wear in said climate. Sweater? Jacket? Gloves? Is wind chill involved? The apparel thermometer will just say t-shirt, or flip flops, or bundle up like Ralphie's brother in A Christmas Story so you can't put your arms by your sides. It can also include the actual temperature, you know, for anyone who might want to know that, too.
6. Number six on my list, no coincidence, is six-pack abs. Because you are all-seeing Santa, surely you know that I have been working on my "flabs" since about 1993 and alas, abs of steel have not yet materialized for me. So if you could just go ahead and bring me some washboard ones, I can finally enjoy crop tops come spring time.
Also, if you have time, please make the carrot cake pancakes at IHOP calorie-free and bring back the television shows 24 and Felicity. And although I do not have a pool, I could still use Ryan Reynolds as a cabana boy and put him to very good use. Oh yeah, and world peace and stuff, too.
Love you. Mean it.
P.S. I'm not leaving any cookies out for you this year because I burnt the first batch and gave all the rest away to my neighbors who, I'm sure, were overwhelmed with gratitude. I recommend you stop at Ben & Jerry's at the entrance to my neighborhood and make it a Cherry Garcia Christmas.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my....I think I must plagerize your list. Do you think Santa will realize it read the same list somewhere else???

    Merry Christmas! May the big, red guy be good to us all!


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