Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Everything's Better in the Bahamas

Ah, vacation. As a somewhat (read: highly) excitable kind of gal, the mere anticipation of getting away to the beautiful Caribbean starts my heart pitter pattering months in advance. Seriously, I have been counting down the days since we made our reservations back in May.

I love vacation for so many reasons: I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't floss my teeth (believe it or not, I am a stickler for the rules. This devil-may-care, in your face flirtation with gum disease is total renegade behavior). You get to stay up late, enjoying what Kevin McAllister in Home Alone very aptly called, "stuff that will rot my teeth and my mind." So! Much! Fun!

This year's trip was no exception. They say everything is better in the Bahamas, and I tend to agree. But rather than tell you about what an amazing time we had last week, sipping daiquiris and sunning ourselves, I thought I would tell you about the educational aspects of our trip (or, as Clint called it every two minutes, "VAY-CAY!"). Consider this my version of What I Learned Over Summer Vacation. And proof that people watching will truly expand your mind.

1. After spending five days poolside and gawking at my fellow vacationers/passersby, I now estimate that roughly 33% of the population is tattooed. The number would be higher except that I am factoring in children and the elderly, who may or may not have made the decision to ink themselves. Some of the tattoos are better choices than others--I'm looking at you, meathead with 'fearless' written in all CAPS across your big, beefy neck. And all of you with the tramp stamps. And the Chinese lettering--haven't the Chinese bested us at enough, without dominating the world of tattoos as well?

2. In an even more striking statistic, I would now say that 80% of the world is overweight. Not morbidly obese or anything, but definitely carrying a few extra doughnut holes around the middle. Let me also note that I determined this while enjoying an order of nachos in between sips of pina coladas. The point being that you really should stop worrying that people are judging you in your swimsuit; they are too busy trying to stay stuffed into theirs to throw any criticism around. Well, 80% of them are, anyway.

3. No matter what the shape or size, women will find a way to wear a bikini. I was jaw-droppingly amazed at some of the swimwear choices that strutted by my lounge chair. Ladies, you do not have to force a square peg into a round hole, in this case the round hole being a triangle-top string bikini. I happen to know for a fact that Spanx makes swimwear, and a sensible one piece would make everyone, including you and the sighted folk around you, more comfortable poolside. And you can avoid looking like a big ol' buttered Thanksgiving turkey while working on your tan.

4. The Duck Dynasty phenomenon has not yet made its way to the Bahamas. I wore my "Happy, happy, happy" t-shirt to breakfast one morning and it drew far more attention than I would have anticipated. Several hotel employees were fascinated by Phil's picture, and drawn to the three-happy saying he has coined. I was, well, happy to spread the word. And that's a fact, Jack.

5. There is a *slight* chance you are getting old when you get shin splints from doing too much walking in flip flops while on vacation. And you hurt your hamstring riding water slides. Walk it off, walk it off.

6. Last, but certainly not least, it turns out that Clint and I can spend six days and five nights together without completely wearing out each other's nerves. Our vacations are usually four nights but this year we stayed an extra day. I had feared the worst, but aside from a little eye rolling here and there (and everyone knows that side eyes, eye rolls, and tuning the other person out are the trinity of long term relationships), we got along just fine. Our flight home was completely full and we wound up sitting 10 rows apart, and even though Clint said he tried in vain to find someone to switch seats with him, I secretly think he was back there in 17F enjoying his solitude. Hey, we're married and we like each other fine, but we're also human.

Now, I know I promised not to brag, but all-in-all, it was an awesome trip. We had a delicious pre-birthday dinner for Clint at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill and it was one of the best meals I have ever eaten. It was worth (Clint) turning a year older. We spent time on the beach, by the pool, reading, relaxing, swimming, sipping, sunning, grinning. And now that the trip is over, it's back to cooking, cleaning, flossing, doing...I told you it's better in the Bahamas, now didn't I?

I suppose it's time to start the countdown until next year's trip....

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