Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A Star is Born

Watching the pre-Golden Globe coverage Sunday night, as the celebrities from TV and the big screen made their way down the red carpet, I listened to interviewer after interviewer comment on all the freebies, gifts, and perks that these celebs enjoy. They pointed out what a great life it is to be someone in Hollywood, and gushed and oohed and aahed over star after star.

But the more I consider it, my life is really not that different than those A-listers. I mean, what benefits do those famous faces have that I don't enjoy as well? What kind of special treatment does Julia Roberts get that I don't? Let's consider.

First, we know that being a celebrity will get you swag, also known as free stuff. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I cannot grocery shop in Harris Teeter without being bombarded with offers of a free slice of bread or a sugar cookie (hey, the container clearly says free to kids of all ages, and I fit the bill). My dentist practically showers me with goodies every six months--I haven't left his office without a toothbrush and some floss like, well, ever. And just last week I got a free sample of Pantene shampoo AND conditioner in the mail for absolutely no particular occasion. I'm doing my best to not let it all go to my head, but it's not easy.

You can also always tell a star by their entourage. Oh, I've totally got this one. Cotton, my little blind bichon frise, follows me everywhere I go. Most days I can't even have bathroom time alone without him following me around. Same goes for Clint--at least it does when he needs or can't find something, which is most of the time. See there? Entourage. Boom.

How about preferential treatment that comes in the form of discounts? Yep, all the time. Mine usually come in the form of 55 cents off Duke's mayonnaise with a coupon I clipped out of USA Today Weekend or a BOGO roast beef sandwich at Arby's, but still, by George does this girl get deals all over the place. I haven't paid full price for anything since, well, yesterday. But who's counting?

The Hollywood elite also never have to wait in line. As for myself, I occasionally (read: all the time) find myself stuck in the absolute slowest line possible at the grocery store, Target, Walmart, the bank, the drugstore, and/or department stores. However, there have been many several a handful of times when a cashier has opened up a register just for little ol' me. How's that for being singled out for being special? Line 4 is open with no waiting...if your name is Susie. Don't mind if I do.

Practically every celebrity worth their salt also has their own personal trainer. I am certainly not one to brag, but I do workout with celebrity fitness trainer Tony Horton. And it only cost me three easy payments of $39.95 (because of my infamy, no doubt). Not everyone has access to the P90X3 DVDs--I know, because the infomercial clearly stated that there was a limited supply and demand was huge. Thank heavens for the perks I get, or I wouldn't be able to workout in my spare bedroom five mornings a week while the dog naps on the bed.

It is such a glamorous life that I live. I routinely get asked for my autograph--specifically, as the cardholder agreeing to pay the charges on credit card receipts, and it is inevitable that I will have my picture taken when I go out (usually because I have handed someone a camera and asked them to take a photo, but now we are just splitting hairs). And because I am so humble, I won't even go into detail about the numerous awards which have been bestowed upon me (those non-details would include Big A Elementary school Star Citizen, fifth grade 4-H club President, Most Improved Dancer at Jazzy Jane's dance studio circa 1995...it's been going on my whole life).

Adoring fans, I would love to stay all day and chat, but I'm afraid my schedule simply does not allow it. There is a VIP lounge waiting, just for me. And by that, I mean the customer waiting area at the car dealership while I am having service done--and hey, they have even offered me a loaner if I so choose. If you need more quality time, be a doll and have your people call my people and let's do lunch.

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Remember: brains and looks will only take you so far, but flattery will get you everywhere.