Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Sweater Svelte: Getting that Perfect Winter Body

The temperature is starting to drop, the days are getting shorter, and the crisp autumn air is ushering in the season of jackets, sweaters, jeans, and boots. That's right, folks: it's time to shed that ridiculous bikini body and get yourself ready for sweater weather. I may have fallen ever-so-slightly short of my goals for swimsuit season, but I have the dedication and drive that it takes to perfect a body that will be shown off in oversize sweaters and stretchy leggings for the next five months or so. If you haven't already started, don't panic; I am going to give you some quick tips today to put you on the road to achieving the ultimate fall and winter figure in no time.

It takes the right physique to look good in a sweater. Heavier clothing demands a bulkier frame, and a gaunt shape just can't carry off a winter wardrobe with the proper panache. Personally, I find that a good starting point for getting sweater shapen has been a steadfast menu of tailgate food each weekend, paired with the arrival of candy corn and pumpkin spice everything, aided by a steady stream of carbohydrates. If you set your mind to it and commit to a regimen of consistent binge eating, you can attain the bigger, fuller body type that fall and winter command. We all know the motto "no pain, no gain," but this is the season to commit to the mantra "buffet, all the way."

As luck would have it, this is the perfect week to put your winter body plan into action. If you haven't already started indulging in Halloween candy, I would recommend that you find the stash closest to you and dig in immediately. To achieve your ultimate goal, steer clear of fat-free and low-fat options like Twizzlers, gummy candy, or (heaven forbid) gum. Instead, choose candy that will get to work right away in not only tasting delicious, but sticking to your ribs and keeping you padded and cushioned all season long. Aim for as many servings of chocolate as possible, with bonus points for things like caramel, peanut butter, and coconut. This candy gluttony will become the building block for your diet over the next weeks and through the holiday season.

To illustrate and make sure you understand the chow down fundamentals, let me include a picture my friend Holly was kind enough to share with me. As you can see, the middle picture shows the most commonly followed, most miserable option, the Weight Loss Trapezoid. That is not the fast track to sweater svelte that we are seeking to obtain this time of year, so instead, devote your focus to what is known as the Happiness Paper Hat. Now you can clearly see the foods that are the most important for full-figured success. Put down the apple, pick up the fried apple pie.

For those of you who think that this plan seems too difficult, or are doubting the methodology of winterizing your body, I have medical science to back my claims. My mother's physician told her just last month that he does not recommend dieting through the cold and flu season, as it can weaken the immune system and leave one more susceptible to illness. I'm not exactly sure his stance on actively gaining weight during this time of year, but I think the message is clear: it's October and thin is so three months ago. Flab is fab, and it's time to decide, commit, and succeed in the form of carbs, carbs with melted cheese, and carbs with melted chocolate. The beauty of this plan is the flexibility all these options give you to tailor your menus and snacks to suit your individual tastes. With the right combination of sweets, fried foods, pasta, and cocktails, your perfect winter shape is well within reach.

Some of you will still remain skeptical. You have been mistakenly taught that a slender frame looks equally appealing in winter clothing, and that moderation is the key to looking and feeling your best during the cooler months of the year. You've been conditioned to try and resist all of the temptations that holiday parties and get togethers can bring, and you may even be inclined to try and prepare healthy versions of the comfort food we all crave when the weather turns cold. I can understand how you may have been misled, so again, I offer unequivocal proof that a rotund shape is more than desirable now that autumn is upon us. Let's take a look at the most popular images of the season, shall we? After all, a picture is worth a thousand pounds words.

These images are the body ideals for this time of year. Need I say more? Now, get out there and graze. Breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day, and the good folks at IHOP are eager to help in your winter body shape up with their seasonal pancakes. Common sense will tell you that an eggnog-praline-creme-brulee-hazelnut-cinnamon-bun stack of flapjacks is the obvious choice for the conscientious dieter. Traditional diets sometimes suggest eating six small meals a day; I urge you to eat three large meals with at least two or three medium-size snacks. When in doubt, nibble. Appetizer, or dessert? Yes to both. Super size it, have that second helping, use real butter, get the whipped cream on top. Bacon can also be a useful tool for you on your diet journey. As a general guideline, avoid anything green unless it is guacamole. It may help to get a sweater svelte diet buddy to keep you accountable and make sure that you do not skip snacks or opportunities to indulge.

Stick to your plan, and visualize the results you will have after just a few short days of eating like there's no tomorrow. In no time, you will notice the byproduct of your efforts (I almost said the fruits of your labor, but we are avoiding fruit at all costs here) and begin to fully enjoy your elastic waistbands with confidence, and wear those tunics with pride. As always, I am here to guide you on your path to health, happiness, and a body that can support the weight of cable-knit sweaters without flinching. Our support group meets weekly at IHOP, and we'll save some chocolate syrup and marshmallow fluff just for you.


Remember: brains and looks will only take you so far, but flattery will get you everywhere.