Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The King and I

We spent an almost embarrassing amount of time watching episodes of the Showtime series the Tudors over the weekend (that's what a free one month trial of Netflix will do to you). While watching all the exploits of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, a few curious things occurred to me. Royal musings, if you will.

First, Harry sure did have his share of women. I'm talking a wife, a mistress, and a different damsel pretty much every evening. I realize there was no TiVo or Real Housewives episodes to keep these people occupied, but seriously. It tires me just to watch. Of course, when I pointed this out to Clint, he told me that of course Henry had a different woman for every day of the week. Because he could just snap his fingers and get a new one, and every man would do that if they could. Good to know. However, snap your fingers around here and you will not get yourself a new woman. You will just get to hear the sound of your snazzy snapping while getting looks that could kill from your spouse. Please enjoy.

When you are living in the king's England in the 1500s, pretty much everyone gets a title. My Lady, your Lordship, Majesty, Eminence, Marquess (Anne Boleyn got that one because she was too skanky to be queen. Henry finally got around it, but it did make me laugh--Marquess was Elizabethan for ho). Duke, Earl, Count. I have decided that you all can refer to me as Your Grace. It has a nice ring to it and it's humbler than Majesty. You know me: all about humble.

The other thing that struck me is the clothing. While the men seem to have cast aside their encumbrances like the tights, bloomers and thigh high riding boots, we women are pretty much at the same level of discomfort as we were back then. I mean seriously, in 500 years, we have not made much progress. In place of the corset and bustle, we now have Spanx and padded shapewear. Our shoes are still like stilts, and we have traded dressing gowns for slinky lingerie. Men are walking around in khakis and loafers, and we are still trussed up like a rack of lamb.

And while on the subject of clothing, I feel led to discuss accessories. Ol' Henry and company sure did a good job with the jewels. As a token of my affection: a ring. To remember me by: a necklace and tiara. It's Tuesday, how about a ruby brooch? Can we get back to that please? Because it's Tuesday, and I would not turn down a ruby brooch. Or a tiara. Or anything jewel encrusted--hey, Your Grace is easy to please.

It looks like, for now, the closest to nobility that I will come is the bottle of Crown Royal collecting dust in our liquor cabinet. Or a bowl of Count Chocula. Wait--does Duke's mayonnaise count? The Earl of Sandwich and I certainly think so.

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