Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Too Bad, Even for Dad (Gifts to Never, Ever Give)

This Sunday is Father's Day, a day in honor of dear old Dad.  Father's Day typically takes a big backseat to Mother's Day, and we all think we're going over the top buying Dad anything but a tie, and firing up the lawn mower and chopping down that crab grass in the front lawn for old times' sake.

But the times have gotten complicated and, as it turns out, there are far worse gifts out there than the old standby necktie. So, just in time to guide your pursuit for a present, I found a few gifts that Dad can absolutely live without. Please make Papa proud and give the gift of anything other than these:

For starters, I found this handy wallet-size bottle opener, which can be engraved with significant dates such as anniversaries and birthdays. Which begs the question: does your Dad drink so much he can't remember important dates and celebrations? Or do these dates just make him want to crack open some booze and toss a few back? Either way, this one seems more than misguided. Maybe it's best not to encourage bad behavior. Unless you want one fermented father showing up on Alice's birthday in July.

Golf gifts are always popular for dads, and this one definitely puts a unique spin on the game. And I have to think that this little gem would find Dad, um, in a relaxed state while he practices his putts. But doesn't he already spend enough time in there? Not to mention the horror of being asked to caddy for Dad while he plays this course....

Trendy new scents are all the rage in the world of cologne, and frankly, there are so many bad ones out there it is hard to choose the ultimate no-no. You may remember that Burger King came out with "Flame" a while back, in case your Pops wants to smell like the essence of flame broiled meat (and really, who doesn't?). Sadly, I also came across scents like sushi, blue cheese, and Play-Doh made just for him. Those are terrible, but ultimately, I found this one to be the worst. When was the last time you were at a funeral home and thought the smell was so intoxicating it should be bottled and distributed to the masses? Mmm, I smell dead people.

A rest and relaxation getaway, perhaps, would be an ideal gift for the busy dad. However, this getaway? I do not think so. "A Weekend For Both of You in The Nude." I am having night terrors just from finding this ad. Please note that the Paradise Valley Resort is located in the great state of Georgia; it's no wonder the South gets a bad name. This makes kissing cousins seem positively demure.

Finally, let's agree to avoid giving anything that says #1 Dad. Remember the argument the t-shirt started on that Seinfeld episode? Morty Seinfeld and Izzy Mandelbaum know what kind of chaos competing for the #1 Dad title can bring about. In the interest of safety (and sanity), please avoid ranking your father above (or below, for that matter) other dads. Maybe just give the guy a hug and tell him he's the best in your book, rather than relying on a coffee mug to make such a provocative statement.

No matter what gift you do decide to bestow on Dad, here's to the king of the remote, the guru of the grill, the lord of the lawnmower. Thanks to the dads of the world for playing catch, telling bedtime stories, always knowing the weather forecast, and all those bike riding lessons. Enjoy your Father's Day!

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