Tuesday, April 28, 2015
(Not Exactly) As Seen On TV
My first recorded infomercial purchase was when I was around the age of eight. Apparently, I was convinced by a savvy advertisement to sign my baby brother up for the Little Golden Books of the Month club. After all, who doesn't want to give the gift of reading? I guess my parents, because once they found out I had used their credit card and signed us up for auto-shipments of children's literature, they were less than thrilled. Even more so when it took a strongly worded letter from an attorney to get the company to stop sending the books and to stop billing my parents for something their eight-year old deemed a must-have purchase.
Of course, not every product lives up to the "but wait, there's more!" hype. Sadly, I was less than ecstatic by my Ped Egg, and there was no magic for us with our Magic Bullet (which broke the third time Clint attempted to make his wonder smoothie). I suppose you could say that, over the years, there have been a few disheartening experiences that have resulted from my infomercial madness.
Now clearly, I had just gone and ordered myself some new-fangled step aerobics regimen, which would have been just fine and fanny, er, dandy, except the good people at Gaiam (the company who churns out this miraculous product) neglected to mention that I had also been signed up to receive new The Firm equipment "essentials" each month, mine to try and enjoy and return for a full refund if not satisfied. I cannot tell you the shock and horror I would experience on a monthly basis when I would arrive home from work and find yet another large package waiting for me that never failed to contain some very colorful piece of plastic gym equipment. I couldn't send them back fast enough, and I had to pay the shipping to return the stuff. I can't remember what negotiating tactics were involved to finally end the steady stream of sub par playground equipment, but I did have to get my hubby involved. He still makes fun of the whole situation to this day, which lands The Firm, the Fanny Lifter, and all 118 other "incredible" products top honors on my most disappointing list.
Enter the second miracle product in this amazing TV offer, the Scoop 'n Strain. Voila! May you never be burdened by using an ordinary ladle again. There is also that whisk that appears to have been run over by a car, which claims to be a 6-in-1 utensil. I must have missed the demo about that one (I was probably already dialing to order), because all I ever used it for was, frankly, whisking, and it wasn't really the greatest at that. I'm not going to lie: all three of these fine products are still in our kitchen. They've been downgraded from our top drawer MVP utensils to the lowly quarters of the bottom drawer where things like citrus zesters and rolling pins go to die.
Imagine my dismay when my InVinceable shipment finally arrived and there was some assembly required. What I actually received was a spray bottle (which leaked) and four little tubes of powder cleaner, which had to be mixed with warm water and then used within eight hours of mixing. Believe me when I say I am a clean machine, but even on my wildest disinfecting sprees, I have never managed to use an entire bottle of cleaning product in an eight hour window. As it turns out, that was the least of Invinceable's issues. The grainy powder would not mix with water, and when I finally achieved liquid cleaning status, every surface I sprayed with this concoction was streaked with a dull, white film. I had to go back and re-clean everything I had so hopefully spritzed with my new purchase.