Tuesday, May 12, 2015

An Open Letter to Diet Coke

It's been nine days now since I've experienced that delicious, revitalizing sensation that is Diet Coke. You see, we are headed to the beach for Memorial Day weekend and I have found myself in need of losing somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 pounds before we go. That, or opt to wear a wet suit instead of a swimsuit on the beach. Ever the optimist, I have put down my wine glass and decided to try to actually eat right and act like a healthy human being. I've even stopped counting potato chips as a serving of vegetables.

I started a nutritional cleanse that is supposed to help eliminate toxins and free radicals from your body and give great weight loss results. Hello, cleanse. Good-bye, processed foods, white starches, sugar, and...Diet Coke. Sob. However, I'm not one to just abandon those close to me. I felt it only right to explain to my beloved beverage where I've been, and exactly what has caused my sudden absence.

Dear Diet Coke,

It's only been a week and a half since our last time together, and already, I miss you so. You have no idea how often I've thought of you, wanted to hold you, spend quality time with you, and yes: drink you. But you see, people think that you're bad for me. Some go as far as to say toxic. They've accused you of even (gasp) causing weight gain. I'm not going to listen to them. Obviously, they don't know what we have together. I am, however, going to cool off our romance a bit.

I know we typically see each other every day; to be honest, I don't even know how to start my mornings without you by my side--but it has to end. My family is begging me to reconsider--apparently, I am a much happier person with you than I am without you--but I need to be strong and take this time apart. It's not you, it's me.

We have some wonderful memories together over the years: shopping, eating out, going to the movies. You've seen me through college lectures, long office meetings, years of road trips, and even four seasons of Revenge. I am going to be lost without your bubbly personality and effervescent nature, which always puts a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. You may hear that I'm drinking water now, and I want you to know it is no substitute for your refreshment. You will always be #1 in my heart. Also, no matter what rumors circulate, Perrier means nothing to me.

Know that I'm thinking of you, and wish me well with my healthy choices and swimsuit season endeavors. I still plan to rendezvous with you occasionally, and I will be looking forward to our next tryst with eager, thirsty enthusiasm. You may not be in my refrigerator, but you will always be in my heart.

Love you. Mean it.

I'm not going to lie to you: that was hard. I suppose break ups are never easy. I'm trying to do the right thing, not only for myself (and my thighs), but for the good of those sighted people who will innocently occupy the same section of sand as myself over the upcoming holiday weekend.

In the meantime, if you see me and I seem grouchy...well, I am. In the absence of Diet Coke, the days seem long and my temper is short. I'm not sure if I have one caffeine-deprived nerve left. I've made it nine days, and I'm going to keep soldiering on without looking back. Keep me in your prayers, and if anyone knows of a great wet suit rental place in the Hilton Head area, maybe pass along the information, you know, just in case.

1 comment:

Remember: brains and looks will only take you so far, but flattery will get you everywhere.