H82BAKE: An Ooey Gooey Pumpkin Bar Story

I don't mind cooking, but I really hate to bake. As a general rule, baking is messy and requires a certain degree of precision, which really amps up someone who is a slightly obsessive compulsive neat freak. Plus, there is every chance in the world that you can mix all the things, put it all together, then over or under bake your confection and still come out with nothing to show for it.

I do, however, love good food and sharing good food with friends. Williams Sonoma has a heavenly recipe (which follows) for "Ooey Gooey Pumpkin Squares" using their pecan pumpkin butter and pumpkin bread mix, both of which are only available in the fall. We all know I am powerless to resist anything seasonal, and of course, they got me. Our last Clemson home game of the season is Saturday, and so out of love for my alma mater and my tailgate friends, I decided it was time: to bake. Eeeek.

Thursday was the day. I had it written in ink on my calendar so as not to chicken out or procrastinate. Wednesday night, I started to prepare for battle. Since baking it not my favorite past time, my tools of the trade are not of the finest caliber. My mixer is stored on its side in the least convenient, least used cabinet in our kitchen. I crawled into that little nook with half my body and dug out the machine. (Don't even kid yourself that it's a fancy, heavy KitchenAid one in some cute color; it's a Sunbeam, the second cheapest one Walmart sells). I checked the recipe to familiarize myself with my enemy. The recipe calls for 15 ounces of confectioners sugar. My package is 32 ounces. I turned to Clint: "How do you measure powdered sugar? Would it be by weight or by volume?" He stared back at me blankly as if the language I'm speaking is anything but English. And they say women are the weaker sex. After some Internet research, I find a conversion for the sugar (15 ounces is  3 3/4 cups, so now we can officially say this blog is educational).

My alarm goes off Thursday morning and I'm too wired to lay in bed and try to justify sleeping a few more minutes the way I usually do. No, today there is a battle to fight and I am the warrior. I am not fooled by the cutesy "ooey gooey" name of my nemesis; I will not underestimate my opponent. I prepare myself with a cup of strong Cuban coffee and an old episode of Beverly Hills, 90210. If Brandon and Kelly can survive calling off their wedding on the very day of the ceremony, I can bake these pumpkin bars. Boldly singing, "Jesus, Take the Wheel," I head to the kitchen. Do your worst, baked goods. Actually, do your best, don't make me cry, and turn out to be edible.

The lid is impossible to remove from the pumpkin butter. After hot water, counter pounding, and prayer, success! My nerves make me inefficient and I'm wandering all around my kitchen like a tourist lost in Times Square. I'm washing utensils before I'm done using them, so great is my need to try and keep this culinary chaos under some kind of cleanly control. Powdered sugar is everywhere; my kitchen looks like a Miami drug cartel has set up shop. I make the crust and it seems...adequate. I mix the filling and pour into the pan. The recipe states "do not overbake," which I find ridiculous. Does anyone set out to overbake their ooey gooey pumpkin squares? Give me a break, Williams or Sonoma, or whoever you are. You sit on an edible high horse. I set the oven timer and clean up the apparently bomb of spices that has erupted all over the room.

Forty-five minutes later, I timidly check the oven. If this has gone wrong, I will tell the tailgate that I have sadly forgotten to bring my wonderful, delicious dessert (yes, I will fib rather than admit failure). I take a deep breath to calm my frayed nerves, but they are not done yet. The recipe advises a "slight" jiggle in the center. I am not good with vague, subjective directions, so this allows me the opportunity to pace in front of the oven and fret, while checking the pan every 60 seconds or so. At the fifty minute mark, I pull the pan out and...holy freaking pumpkin spice! I. Have. Done. It!! Now I'm waiting the mandatory-as-dictated-by-Williams-Sonoma twenty minutes for these bars to cool and I will ecstatically cut them into bars. I may skip all the way to Clemson, giddy with my conquest.

**A note to our tailgate group, who will consume this confection: if these are not in fact ooey, gooey or delicious, please just throw them into the bushes when I'm not looking and tell me they were fantastic. "Clemson family," after all.

For those of you who are brave (or foolish) enough to enjoy baking, or like myself, a glutton for pumpkin spice and punishment, here is the recipe. It's not terribly complicated and doesn't even require lots of ingredients. Just a brave game face and a few prayers.

Ingredients:

• For the crust:
  1 package (1 lb. 2 oz./509 g) Williams Sonoma spiced pecan pumpkin quick
     bread mix
• 1 egg
• 8 Tbs. (1 stick) (4 oz./125 g) unsalted butter, melted
• 
  For the filling:
  1 package (8 oz./250g) cream cheese, at room temperature
• 1 jar (13.5 oz./382 g) Williams Sonoma Muirhead pecan pumpkin butter
• 3 eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 8 Tbs. (1 stick) (4 oz./125 g) unsalted butter, melted
• 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 15 oz. (470 g) confectioners’ sugar

Directions:

Preheat an oven to 350°F (180°C). Grease a 13-by-9-inch (33-by-23-cm) baking pan.

To make the crust, in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the flat beater, combine the quick bread mix, egg and melted butter and beat on low speed until the ingredients come together, 1 to 2 minutes. Transfer the mixture to the prepared pan and spread out evenly. Press the crust down until it feels compact (using the back of a measuring cup can help).

Wash and dry the mixer bowl and beater.

To make the filling, in the mixer bowl, combine the cream cheese and pumpkin butter and beat on medium speed until smooth, about 1 minute. Add the eggs, vanilla, melted butter and cinnamon and beat until combined, about 2 minutes. Add the confectioners’ sugar and beat well, about 2 minutes.

Spread the filling over the crust. Transfer to the oven and bake for 40 to 50 minutes. Do not overbake; the center should still be a little gooey. To test for doneness, gently shake the pan; you should see a slight jiggle in the center. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let cool for at least 20 minutes, then cut into bars. Makes 16 bars.