I’ve been known to rant, rave and muse about pretty much everything, particularly my not-terribly-glamorous everyday life. Apparently, some of you enjoy these tales of mine and have asked for more. And with this girl, flattery will get you everywhere. You’ve all been saying I need to write something, and while I have batted my eyelashes and sighed, “Oh, stop! Who, me? I couldn’t possibly!” I’ve actually been giving it a little thought. A friend even went as far as to demand that I write a book, a sitcom, or a blog—do something, woman! So I decided to put this plan into action.
But which format is best for Southern sarcasm with a side of housewife and a dash of hot rollers?
I am an old-fashioned girl, so the idea of authoring a book was appealing. Putting pen to paper is a favorite pastime for me, plus I have great penmanship. And I kicked some serious butt in high school typing class, so handwritten manuscript or typed, clearly I could do no wrong. New York Times bestseller list, here I come. Until the thought of Friday night book signings at your local bookstore under florescent lights ran through my head. As anyone who knew me during my miserable retail employment will tell you, this girl does not do nights or weekends. I spent years in a little gray cubicle working for a boring bank simply for the benefit of taking back my life Friday afternoon at 5:00 and not having to do a thing until mean old Monday rolled around. Clearly, books are SO 2000 and late.
A sitcom, perhaps. Everyone loves television these days, even those who aren’t smart enough to read. I had found myself an even bigger audience. Pass the popcorn and set the DVR to record. Until you consider the fact that I would clearly have to play myself. Who else would have the big hair and extreme Southern accent to accurately capture the essence of moi? The idea of a hair and makeup person always makes me giddy, so I thought it was a go. But, the camera adds 10 pounds. And I’m not vain, okay, well, I am vain and I do not need an extra 10 pounds. I can find those in one McDonald’s, nachos, Ben & Jerry’s weekend just fine without assistance. I wish instead of HD, televisions came with Spanx effects; there would be a natural choice.
Alas, there is no Spanx cable package, so blog it shall be. Be careful what you wish for, because now I’ll blog it. Because most of the true things that happen to me are way better than fiction. And since I am truly an ugly crier, I would much rather laugh about it all. Let the good times toll!